in pursuit of my truth 🫦🍯

HI BABIES welcome back okay I’m gunna just jump right into this one because I’m no longer casting the protection spell I had over this potent beautiful part of my journey as I was deeply navigating my heart space and alchemizing darkness into the brightest possible light… and I say that as if it’s not only gunna continue to brighten muwahah eyes UP.  This already feels kinda like a love letter slash journal entry slash gratitude notes and I’m sharing for a very specific audience. You’ll know it’s you if you’re here in this lifetime on a deep quest for truth and honesty blended with the highest form of love that you maybe haven’t seen yet, but know from every corner of your heart that it’s inevitable. 

For obvious reasons I’m not going to overshare as much as I would if you were my bestie sitting on my floor with me spilling all our guts into my studio space but I do want to hit on the potent parts. And that means I have to go all the way back to the day I was born………..hahahah have you seen that meme omg so funny I’m just kidding but quite honestly not really, because my truth is that I’ve known since I was really young that a heart like mine isn’t here to NOT be matched, and don’t worry I absolutely know that if that were the case I would also be fine because I’m pure magic so doesn’t matter but anyway… love exists in so many forms that we discount how much it’s in our every day, and we seem to collapse love only with romantic partnership. However that’s kind of what I’m focusing on so I'll keep it on track. Just as long as you know you literally are love in its purest form so don’t go looking for it silly goose. But I guess the point of sharing this is that I kinda forgot that for a second?? Woops so human of me hahahaha and it’s actually not the first time it’s happened but to be fair I do have my chiron + north node in libra so losing sight of myself in partnership has been a bit of a theme in the past, but now that it’s in my conscious field I couldn’t possibly go back to the way I was navigating my heart space hehhehe.. She’s a self motivated gal pal… deeply devoted to self? I suppose.. 

I feel like I’ve shared a lot on how I dove into the underworld in the last year, without sharing what that’s looked like but I feel it’s so important to navigate things in private to protect the energy while it’s mmm fragile? delicate? in the creation process??? so that you don’t allow the intensity of unwelcome energy that can disrupt and project onto your alchemy. I’m also not saying do it alone because I truly don’t know where I’d be without my 🧚🏼 fairy godmother 🧚🏼 and my closest gfs but this is about strengthening your own intuition, listening to that inner voice and rooting in your truth, and that’s tough to do when you let a lot of external voices in. Anywho, I don’t even know how to do this in a mystical magical aligned way I’m truly winging it but also want to emphasize that the whole process has been MY personal journey of coming back home to myself and what catalyzed the awakening process for me and I truly don’t see how it would have happened any other way so it’s been perfection. I love it. 

Long story short, the most aligned partnership kinda came out of nowhere for me and it seemed unexpected at the time, but looking back I had been calling it in for years because I’m always leaning into doing the work that it takes to be able to hold and receive something of the caliber of what I’m asking for. It came in a way I wasn’t expecting, to the point that I was high key doubting myself and in a sort of disbelief in the beginning because it didn’t make sense to feel that aligned with something I had never experienced, so I had to continue to remind myself that I was beyond ready for and deserving of that kind of magic in the form of someone else. It came with a huge tone of effortlessness, of ease and what I remember explaining felt like it was too good to be true, but rather I knew it was soooooooo good and beyond true and I wasn’t waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just grateful as fkkkkk and never once took what I was creating for granted. Except I put so much conscious effort into being with it that I kinda ended up taking myself for granted. Bahahaha oops. There was a lot of dynamic in it, like fkn everything else in life, and it’s almost like I put a non-existent time limit on what it was because of one of those dynamics, and I recognize that it was completely out of scarcity. I had something that was so beautiful and so important to me and wanted to soak up every ounce of time in strengthening it that I kind of delayed putting that same energy into everything else that I’m here to create in my life. I know from my current level of awareness that I’m creating so much daily and it all requires my attention, I just lost sight of that balance part for a while that I ignored my own power, my own intuition, I didn’t always share exactly how I was feeling out of fear that it would slip away from me, basically just kind of forgot that I was a sovereign divine embodied goddess that’s here to create nothing but pure love. However the level of communication, of effort, of devotion, of adoration, playfulness, emotional safety, healing and truth that was shared within this container was so potent it’s wild… there were so many things they pulled from my subconscious as my mirror that I chose to lean into and work through and grow from, there was so much care and effort put into the connection from both sides, and I personally knew that from the start, even with the external dynamics at play, that I would so much rather lean into the energy of “how can I continue to put the effort in that serves the outcome where this flourishes..” because sure we could ALL DAY LONG think and worry about all the ways in which things won’t work out for us, or project our past experiences onto our future ones thinking that it will happen again, as if we aren’t the only ones with the power to create our desired outcomes……LOL but even though that’s where my headspace and intention was at, my subconscious energy was the tiniest bit unbalanced at probably at 51% not paying enough attention to myself as my source of love and 49% leaning all the fkn way in. And that 1% was reflected back to me in the way that gave me a lil shake. Because although I’m personally someone that’s going to forever continue to lean into the positive end of “what if”, and work towards that no matter what my past has looked like, I watched as all those subconscious fears and patterns in the ways it hadn’t worked in the past, seem to take the wheel for them.

I don’t know what the force inside me is though because from the day it shifted, I literally knew “this is happening with purpose and it’s all for your highest good sista so get comfy” hahahah some call it delusion, but I’ve just done the work with myself to have the deepest level of self trust that results in me trusting in my entire journey. So duh I leaned in, I got curious, I started to get more bold in the ways I was seeking truth from them and gently sliding my little hands through the cracks in the walls that were around their heart space, because I knew that something that meaningful doesn’t just turn like that unless someone’s not in their integrity. This is what launched me straight into the deep end of my own shadows and awakening which simultaneously had me diving into theirs because neither of ours were fully in my field of awareness until then – I was getting there obv but I started leaning fully into the works of our subconscious big time – and since I had been let in/pried my way in enough in that year to know, and to be able to see the patterning and events that had shaped the walls that were there to protect them from experiencing what terrifies most of us!!.. I understood. I could hold that and be with the fact that they made that choice. Even if your soul is pulling you somewhere it wants to be, free will prevails. However I was a little TOO with it in the beginning. 

Because that’s the backdrop, but this is where the real alchemy began. While I was starting my coaching cert I leaned into strengthening SO many of my gifts like harnessing the empathy we carry, being able to stand up for myself in my power, set boundaries with family members in big ways, like bigggg ways I actually chose to not let a very important person in my life stay with me because they disrespected my boundaries and that was years of tolerating lack of accountability and responsibility so talk about a fkn nervous system rewire. Pivotal. Second scariest but most liberating thing I’ve done this year. I also pulled my energy back from so many others that I had over given it to because I cared so much, I unblocked my throat chakra and started speaking from a place of my truth without fearing how it would be received because I realized that anything you lose from speaking your truth is for sure not meant to stick around. I went on a fkn yoga retreat – didn’t even like yoga – but ended up reconnecting my energy body and physical body and started the entire process of unravelling all my postures and tension and stagnant energy, because as you deeply unravel your subconscious your physiology inevitably follows. And that has been physically wild, now I can’t live without yoga lmfao. I leaned into my perception wounds, my relationship to my body, my hyperindependence and resistance to asking for help, the past people pleasing tendencies, the narrative I had that sharing how I feel with others would result in anger and rage, my lack of patience, spiritual bypassing, the fear of being disliked if I shine my light too brightly, the wounds of rejection and abandonment that kept me from just fucking going for it and experiencing life fully… I did a lot. It was dense and it was really heavy but with my taurus rising mixed with the knowledge that all we have is the current moment… I made it sexy as hell. I leaned in, I danced with my shadows, pulled them in closer and kissed their wounds. I listen to them and still learn from them daily because they just give us information, of where we’ve slipped in the past and didn’t act accordingly because we simply didn’t have the tools or awareness to do anything other than protect ourselves? But I know now that choosing love and leaning into the endless possibility and infinite potential that we get to create with daily, will forever overpower the fear that keeps us staying in the same place. There’s no other option for me. 

So with that I then recognized after a whole lot of silence from their side, that no answer is simply not an appropriate answer, that ending a conversation by ignoring it is what we do when we don’t want to face our own truth. That avoiding the parts of ourselves that want to be expressed cannot be hidden from someone who is willing to face every corner of their entire being. Because when you get really fkn rooted in what’s true, you have a pretty sharp eye for what’s not, and therefore have no problem holding up a mirror for others to be accountable to it. So that means that I’m the kind of gal that will continue to ask for clarity, whilst owning and taking responsibility for my own missteps, the kind of gal that will literally fly to another country for a conversation of truth because I simply won’t accept anything less from the people I care about. And then I’m also the kind of gal that when that’s met with dishonesty and fear and lack of integrity, I’ll still alchemize it and turn it into poetry because I recognise that someone else’s avoidance is not a reflection of my own worth, and the value I carry and embody every single day cannot be diminished by one’s unwillingness to look at their own. Because there isn’t an ounce of my being that I’m not willing to take a deeper look at in service of my own evolution, and when I say I want something of high value, I’m going to continue to become the kind of person that can hold it no matter how spooked by my own shadows I might be for a sec.

So here I am, grateful as FUCKKK for the immense amount of value & love they added to my life and the standard for what divine partnership feels like, and double grateful that someone else’s decision to walk away created space for me to come back home to myself in the pursuit of truth. It was always about me, always will be hehe. I’m in a beautiful infinite space where my energy feels like a blank canvas, with a paintbrush that holds so much wisdom from lived experience because I willingly trust-fall myself into discomfort every single day so that I can experience a life that feels like luxury level comfort. Where I don’t spend time wondering what if and rather just act on it because literally, what’s more uncomfortable then taking a risk??? Staying in a place where you never know what could happen if you do. That is a categorical truth hahahah and it’s also true that my love will experience itself in so many beautiful ways, I’m sure of that and so excited to explore it all because I know that whoever belongs in my world will meet me in their truth, won’t fear stripping down to their soul.. because I have so many in my corner that do that with me willingly.

 After navigating the last year and a bit with all it’s density and a lot of stretching, both soul and body lol, it feels like every single day I continue to experience micro shifts that at one point would have felt intense as fk, and take me months or weeks to transcend, but now I do it daily. And that’s not to diminish how important and pivotal every single moment is, it’s just that being someone who's cracked their own heart enough times has made me decide to break it wide open and be willing to face absolutely anything (because I will continue to be stretched forever duh) in the pursuit of what is true, what keeps me in my integrity and my alignment, and what’s rooted in the highest form of love. Which is unconditional and all encompassing.. it just doesn’t tolerate the behaviour from myself or others that bring that frequency down, so if that’s what’s offered I’ll just love you from over here, at a distance.. 🤭 because relationships are mirrors, and the clearest reflection is always the one we find in ourselves. The pursuit of my own truth and leaning into that has made me more sovereign than ever, and I want that for everyone so I encourage you to lean in also you sexy lil kitten. Because it starts there. 

My summary note is to not worry about where love ISN’T, until you can fully own and recognize where it is – within you… and then we can work on emanating it outward and create whatever the fk we want from that space 🫶🏼 and sure all the spaces in between because we’re forever in progress!!! If you’ve come all this way with me, I appreciate you being here as I spill my soul into words. Send this to someone you think could be reminded of their own capacity for truth and love because my intention is that it falls into the hands of whoever needs to be reminded of that hehehehehe I love you endlessly!!!!!!!

xx Sarah